"If I Were Ellen"
December 12, 2006
Toiling on a treadmill at the gym the other day, I caught the beginning of “The Ellen DeGeneres Show.” The crowd gave her an extra-rousing welcome when she boogied onto the stage — they were pumped about the upcoming Xmas handouts. You see, Ellen gives her audience extra-spectacular gifts during December.
The holidays. They’re here ... again. Sigh.
If I could have one wish right now, it would be that the month of
December would plunge into the sea and not resurface until Jan. 1 —
hungover, perhaps, but spared the hassle and bustle and obscene
consumption of the 12th month.
I know I’m a Scrooge, but I’m not alone. Last year when I wrote about
choosing not to celebrate with gifts but rather to enjoy activities with my friends and family — walking, playing games, going to museums — many
people told me they too had decided to buck the commercialism.
I could do the same this year, but seasonal hype pressures me into
feeling I have to create a fresh alternative every year. My parents did.
I loathed all those variations on a theme we endured each yuletide — the
tree with only velvet ribbons, the no-gifts-until-Epiphany years, the
stockings-only Christmases.
While I watched and sweated, Ellen gave three gifts to every audience
member: a name-brand leather purse, a stylish watch, and a collection of
scents (candles, eau de cologne, air spray, etc.) that Ellen loves and
claims to use herself. The loot totaled more than $1,600 per woman,
Ellen told the crowd, which then burst into a Dionysian-like frenzy of
applause.
Note to self: This year I’ll pretend I’m Ellen, with my own set of giveaways — or, well, suggestions.
As I wiped my dripping neck and pondered my gift list, actress Minnie
Driver came on with something for Ellen, a live camel named Lily. For
$175 you can order one up (only Ellen gets the beast in the flesh) that
will take up residence with a needy Bedouin. You can buy a sheep ($40)
for an African shepherd or a cow ($60) for an indigent farmer half way
around the world.
That’s a great idea. I’m going to have to steal it.
OK. So, here are my gifts to you:
—Go to the Oxfam America site (www.oxfamamericaunwrapped.com) for
details about buying a work animal in a friend’s name. The friend gets a
card featuring a picture of the animal. In Ellen’s opening monologue,
she said she had gone nuts looking at J. Crew and Hammacher Schlemmer
catalogs; this Oxfam online catalog trumps them both, in my opinion. For
a modest donation, I can let my totally non-handyman husband give
somebody who really needs (and probably wants them) a set of tools. For
my tree-loving sister, I can donate saplings to Africa. My daughters
will find their sheep donation cards cute. They love pets, but this way — no vet bills! No shearing, no grazing, no nastiness in the back yard on my way to the composter.
—Ah, yes, composters. My second gift idea — a kitchen compost bucket
($17) from the GAIAM catalog — Healthy, Eco-Conscious Products: Home,
Solar, Yoga, Fitness (www.gaiam.com/retail/gai_shophome.asp). If you’re
like me, this bucket will change your life. No more cracked, leaky yogurt containers doing double duty as compost collectors. This bucket comes with a handle and filters to keep the odor down.
—Let’s see. Ellen offered three gifts. I need one more. Oops. I’ve
burned my 300 calories. That’s all the time this Scrooge has for gift
ideas.
Wait. You’re not screaming for joy the way Ellen’s guests did? You think
my ideas stink?
Well, go ahead. Pelt me with rotten tomatoes. It’s OK. They make great
compost.
